It has been busy times here. So much to do in december and now again, in this brand new year, it seems like it is never stopping. I yearn to go deep in dwelling processes, creating and searching, and still tasks seem to present themselves with no end. I know you know this pressure thing. I am sure of it. It is part of living in this time, things tend to become pressing and you can almost feel your aura bend inward because of the pressure.
But there is something new next to this experience this time. Something that makes it less stressful than before. Maybe it is part of me getting more mature (In the end of this month I will turn 44, it does sound mature, right?) Or maybe it has got to do with the fact that this year I finally started painting on canvas again, and selling my paintings, after about 18 years of putting it off.
Yes, 18 years of moving all my stuff from house to house until one day years back I finally sold it all, thinking: If I am to paint, it will have to be a fresh start!!! And then one day this spring it was clear that it was time. Time to paint. Time to live not only the third or second best dream, but the dream that was almost too good to be true. The dream that, after all, was my first career choice, way back. I will tell that story here soon, promise.
(That´s me, shortly after starting to paint again, happy, happy)
A settlement has come to accompany me that says: “I am doing my best at what seems to be the strongest channel of joy I can offer the world right now. That is the best I can do.” Or, like the wonderful creative inspirator Julia Cameron says: “I will take care of the quantity, God will take care of the quality.” There is more than us at stake when we create. But we do need to get the paint on the canvas. And to do that brings such a settlement in my life, even during testing or chaotic times.
To paint and show my paintings to the world is the source of such a deep joy that I find it hard to describe. So, the new thing is that I am not as caught up in all the pressures I meet as I was earlier in life. I also know that the only way to calmness and deep breaths is to be calm and to take deep breaths. So simple and so hard when you are in the hurry of it all. I know deep down that it does not work to try to finish the to-do-list first, before I treat myself with respect. Because, that to-do-list may grow longer and longer, and it surely will controll me unless I take the lead.
(Heart, lift your wings of joy)
So the truth is, that in spite of all business, I had such a wonderful christmas-time and some very needed days off with my dear family. We were home, just the four of us and I could feel the deep, deep quiet in nature. And I simply began letting go. Letting go of all the cards I did not manage to write. Of the fact that I didn´t post here for sooo long. Of all the things I thought I should or would do. Many small or big things. I let them go, and sank into this quiet deep being-state that is so readily available this time of year, if only we allow it a little space to work its wonders.
I heard winter-time described as the time of year where all life-forces move deep down under the surface where gems and juices are held and worked on by little dwarfs until next spring when it all comes gushing out into the seen world again. I love that thought. This was partly what inspired the christmas card (above) I painted for our village christmas card-prints this year. So here´s a new years toast to all that moves under the surface even when we feel we get nothing done. Who knows what may grow out of our pot next spring? On now, to dreams and visions for 2012.
(From the creative quickie book. The text reads: Imagine that you woke up one day and discovered something much greater than you ever expected growing out of your pot!)